Co Addiction
- Like chemical dependency, sexual addiction is a family disease. Spouses of sex
addicts, or "co addicts," usually grew up in a dysfunctional family, where they
acquired a set of core beliefs that resulted in:
- low self-esteem and difficulty in relationships. They may believe that they are not
worthwhile, that no one could love them for themselves, that they can control and
are responsible for others, and that sex is the most important sign of love.
- Spouses of sex addicts were often sexually abused in childhood and thus have fear
or confusion about sex. They tend to be attracted to individuals who are needy,
which describes most addicts.
- Co addicts usually fear abandonment, often cannot imagine life without their
partner, and are willing to accept behaviors that healthier persons may find
unacceptable. For Many co addicts fear refusing sex; others use sex to control and
manipulate. Those whose sexually addicted partner prefers other sexual outlets
(eg, compulsive masturbation, hiring of prostitutes) may go for years with out
conjugal relations, often at great cost to their emotional well-being. Since the sex
addicts primary relationship is with the addiction, the partner justifiably feels
unimportant and unloved.
- All too often, couples who seek marriage counseling because of sexual problems
are advised to add variety to their sexual repertoire or to do more to please each
other sexually. Some marriage counselors may not understand that the sexual
problems are an addictive pattern, not a marital issue.
- Often, the co addict takes responsibility for the marital discord and fruitlessly works
at finding a solution, as illustrated in the following case.
- Example: A 36-year-old woman, the mother of three small children, was raised by
a rageful alcoholic father and a dependent mother. She married a man who also
had an alcoholic parent. Over the course of their marriage, he had multiple affairs.
He denied the most blatant evidence of his philandering until she at times doubted
her own sanity. Although she knew he was having sex with other women, she did
not dare deny him sex for fear he would leave.
Frightened of confronting her husband and expressing her anger, she had bouts
of depression and periods of overeating. During her second pregnancy, she
contracted gonorrhea from her husband. Although she felt intense guilt about
risking her fetus's health, she continued having sex with her husband. She
expressed intense shame when she disclosed her home situation to her physician.
She became progressively obsessed with her husband's infidelity and would drive
around town at night, with her three small children, looking for her husband's car.
When she found his car-at a girlfriend's house-she would send one of the children
to ring the doorbell and ask daddy to come home .Despite her recognition of how
hurtful this behavior was to her children, she was unable to stop. Eventually she
sought counseling, joined a self-help group for spouses of sex addicts, and later
divorced her husband.
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